Preparing (?) for the Fearsome Unknown

Well, this will likely be my last blog for a few months, as I’m staring down the barrel of what I’ve been told is the worst pain imaginable.  (Although supposedly kidney stones are also pretty darn bad.)  I’m due to give birth in the next few weeks.  I’ve done everything I’ve been told to prepare.  Fortunately, I’ve been able to keep up a prenatal exercise routine that stretches and strengthens, among other key muscle groups, the pelvic floor.  I’ve been practicing some select meditation techniques that I hope will help me endure the pain without as much physical resistance.  Now, I am just waiting.  And the other big thing that everyone has told me, is that there is NO WAY TO KNOW what kind of experience I’m actually waiting for.  In other words, I’ve been preparing for a swift and uncomplicated vaginal birth.  But other than what I’ve already done, as well as trusting the midwives and doctors who will be overseeing this process, I don’t have much control over how this is actually going to go!

So what to do now?  I’m waiting for my life to change in an enormous way.  What way?  I don’t know.  When?  I don’t know.  What will the transition be like?  I don’t know!  I guess I better get comfortable with “not knowing.” 

We’ve all been there.  And quite literally, we are all there potentially – in this “don’t know mind” – every minute.  Because do we really know what the next minute holds?  I have a sense that the next minute, or the one after that, or the one after that, could hold searing, ripping pain through my body as my baby emerges.  Is this causing me anxiety?  Hell ya!

But a high level of anxiety, or fear, or dread is actually going to interfere with the “relaxed hormones” I need to make the birth go more smoothly.  And so I’m faced with an opportunity to digest the anxiety and fear so they don’t grow so large as to dominate my body and mind. 

Simultaneously, I can’t plan!  Or DO anything more than I’m doing to minimize the risk of something going wrong.  So, back again to making peace with and feeling very comfortable in “don’t know mind.”

Here’s what I’m practicing to inhabit this place with more ease.  You can use these ideas too, if they’re helpful!  First, when I find myself projecting ahead in time (“This baby is enormous!  Her shoulder is going to get caught on my pelvis and they’re going to have do a C-section, or reach up inside me and twist and tug at her to get her out.  Maybe she’ll break her shoulder?  Maybe I’ll push and push and push for hours while her shoulder just sticks there…”), I quickly short-circuit the vision and come back to the actual moment.  The wind is blowing, I’m eating lunch, and I can feel her kicking in there.  She’s not stuck and her shoulder is soft and gummy and tucked under, right now.  It is a very helpful skill to be able to stay in the moment, even when that moment is awful!  Because part of increases the awfulness is the projecting ahead.  If I find myself in the situation above, I will just deal with it then.  It may be excruciating, but it won’t last forever, and I won’t be alone.  My job is to be fully present in EACH moment as it arises.

Second thing I’m practicing is curiosity about each moment leading up to the BIG moment.  This both helps me not project, improves my concentration in the actual moment (whatever that moment is) and allows me not to miss out on any stage.  Last night, every time I got up to pee (maybe 46, 47 times?) the baby would move around and I felt these take-your-breath-away pulses and pressure “down there.”  Some muscles around my belly and pelvis would tighten and feel crampy, but not consistently.  These are interesting sensations.  Not pain, exactly, but certainly something I’ve never felt before, and not anything I have any control over.  Instead of being annoyed that they were uncomfortable or interrupting my sleep, I tried to envelop them in a curious awareness.  Was this the distant beginnings of labor?  What did they mean?  Sometimes they even tickled a bit, which made me smile, not grimace. 

And thirdly, with the unknown pain I’m facing, I’m trying to reframe it as a positive experience.  I get to practice surrender to nature – a skill I certainly need more practice in.  I get to join the ranks of the billions of women before me who have bravely endured this experience.  Birthing will be like the most intense meditation retreat experience ever, and maybe I’ll even make some breakthroughs in that arena!  And of course, there is no way out of being pregnant than through and this will result in being able to hold my child against my chest and stroke her precious and awe-some little body.  (And maybe if I’m lucky, a huge rush of endorphins as a reward!) 

I am practicing faith in the forces that are so, so much larger than me.  This includes evolution, my particular body, the people I’m around, and the larger human capacity to fully experience and move through suffering.

I’ll let you know how it goes. It could be a shit show! But even right now, I get the opportunity to become comfortable with “not knowing,” and strengthen my ability to greet everything, in each moment – hopefully even my body ripping apart – with acceptance, curiosity, and as much equanimity as I can muster. Wish me luck!