My Body is not “Mine”

So I have a little “alien” – not me – growing inside my belly.  She kicks and bounces on my bladder and is generally pretty cute and easy to care for at this stage.  But there is this distinct feeling that she is not me!  I guess that’s a good thing, since it’s true, but I’ve been contemplating this idea – that my body, not just this baby, but my whole body, and everyone’s bodies, are much more a manifestation of something else, and not really “me,” or “mine.”

There is a parable where the Buddha essentially asks whether the body is the self, since we so often conflate our sense of “I, me and mine” with our body.  (He then goes on to ask whether perceptions, sensations, mental activity or consciousness are, in turn, “self.”)  I’m paraphrasing, but as I recall, he asks the monks to consider carefully, whether, for example, your arm is your self, or your abdomen.  And whether your body is the “same” when you were a young child as it is when you are an adult.  The monks’ conclusion is that no, of course your body isn’t your “self” because not only is it constantly decaying and changing, but it is difficult to pinpoint a part, or even a whole “body” that could be a “thing” that’s called “me.” 

I remember a meditation exercise that asked you to pay attention to the breath moving into your body, and the breath moving out.  At what point does that breath become “you?”  At what point are you and the breath the same, or different?  The same could be contemplated with food.  At what point does that external thing, the bite of cheese, become “me, and mine, and part of me.”  If you dwell on this, sometimes a felt sense of unity with everything arises, and the sense of separateness between me and everything else, fades.  It is truly delicious.

Well, this is how I’ve felt through this pregnancy.  My body simply “does things” and I have no control.  I’m hungrier, I’m more fatigued, my digestive system doesn’t work right and I have too much stomach acid.  My skin is darker and lumpier in places, my breasts hurt, my feet swell, and heck – every time I see myself in the mirror I think, “What the heck is that enormous lump in my front!”  It’s a surprise every time. 

These are a just a few, a very few, of the ways “my” body changes and adjusts without my control, consent or with “me” involved in the process in any way.  And isn’t this the way it is for all of us?  I mean, who controls how long it takes to digest a Cobb salad, and what the results are?  Heck, we  weren’t even involved in the decision to have a body in the first place, much less which body, with which features, that worked in what ways.

We are, however, stewards of this body.  We can control what we eat, what activities we do, and how we treat other bodies.  Does thinking of your body as a perfect, beautiful figment of nature – mysterious and impersonal in an awe-inspiring way – change how you steward it?  Does thinking of your body, not only as “not you” but also “not anyone else’s,” not your parents’, not a past abuser’s, not a lover’s, but as nature’s (or whatever other transcendent term you like), does this change how you perceive your body?  It is to be cherished.  Like the ocean, like a tree.  And for no other reason than that it exists!

And cherished not only if it is beautiful, or young, or any of the other outward markers of vanity, that are actually a sign of “me-ness” and possessiveness, and other attempts to “prove” to the world “who we are.”  It is to be cherished simply in its mystery – the fact that it’s alive!  It’s alive!  I mean, really, spend a moment just meditating on that…..

This is one of the ways that I’ve been experiencing this pregnancy.  I am utterly and completely humbled.  I am silenced in the face of life growing inside me.  I am not growing her.  She is not me.  I am simply allowed to be aware.  I am simply allowed to be aware of Life growing, moving, changing, being in this most intimate way.  In all its glory and pain. 

You are too.  Every time your body breaths in.  Every time your heart beats.  Every time you fart!  You are simply allowed to be aware of the utter mystery and awe of Life as a reality, not as an idea.  You are simply allowed to be aware of Life.