To Do or Not To Do, That Is the Question

I’ve been wrestling recently with a sense of “not doing enough.”  I am trained, through a combination of my own personality and cultural expectations, to be PRODUCTIVE.  I have lists, and I cross things off those lists, and at the end of the day, I allow myself time to relax and unwind because I did four things from my list, for example.  Today, however, I am simply sitting outside.  I’m not reading.  I’m not researching.  I’m not talking to family or friends.  Heck, I’m not even meditating.  I’m really not DOING anything.  It feels amazing.

But am I “allowed” to spend my day this way?  What about, God forbid, multiple days?  What will I have to show for my time?  If I died next week, would I feel that I lived well?  These are questions that my mind peppers me with when I’m doing nothing.

Because I have been doing a whole lot of nothing for the past couple months, I’m getting slightly, just slightly more used to it.  Today, for example, I have been luxuriating in the feeling of the warmth on my skin.  There is a very light, sweet little breeze, and I can FEEL it, really feel it.  I’ve seen dolphins jumping in the water outside twice so far.  I’ve watched my dog have a dream and twitch her little paws and felt pure joy.  I’ve watched some interesting looking birds soaring, seemingly just for the fun of it.  I can hear the leaves rustling, so tender.  There are a couple lizards that are the most beautiful shimmering green color and they can sit so incredibly still!  I am simply communing with my environment, and it makes me happy.

So in one sense, I am resetting my nervous system.  I am training my circuits to be calm and full, safe and vibrant.  My heart rate is slow and steady, my muscles relaxed, my mind is clear and I feel peaceful and kind.  This is doing something. 

However, how long is it okay to do this?  I am acutely aware (and grateful) that I am in a place where I can sit outside and be comfortable, where I can see the water, and where it’s quiet and sunny.  I am acutely aware that I have the time to do nothing.  I am acutely aware that I am healthy and not worried about my next meal or the roof over my head.  I don’t deserve this.  I don’t not deserve this either.  Everyone deserves this.  And the fact that not everyone, and heck, not most, and hell, not even most of the people I know, can have this, at least not often, plagues me.

But to be perfectly honest, I think about going to work, or fighting for justice, or advocating for the environment, and I feel tired and vaguely anxious.  I have been fighting most of my life.  I have been a doer.  And now I’m wrestling with guilt for not being one. 

Maybe that’s the key – I feel that DOING is fighting.  Or somehow channeling and sharing the peace and wellbeing that I feel might be a fight.  Forcing people to feel peaceful!  Ha! 

So come along with me on this new journey, but only if you’d like!  I am going to share by writing here.  And maybe that will lead to other ways I can share and spread the joy of not doing. 

On the other hand, maybe this is a selfishly-motivated activity – to try to assuage my sense of guilt at having the luxury to not do right now.  And heck, to “do”, just a little.  I don’t know!  And actually, I think it would be counterproductive to think about it too long.  I WANT to share this, in the ways that I know how.  This is not a fight, this is simply something I’d like to do, that grows out of not doing. 

And so, here is the first lesson (thank you, dear readers for helping me unearth it): Doing and not doing are not in conflict; there is no fight.  They are the same, and they cannot exist without each other.