The Emotional Toll of the 2020 Election
(Disclaimer: As in all of my blogs, this is my personal experience only.)
Today is November 4th, 2020. I am depressed. The symptoms are classic – lack of motivation, irritability, depressed mood, my perceptions unmistakably clouded with a negative tinge, hopelessness. It is depressing for me to realize that half this country approves President Trump’s lies, abuse, cheating and violence. Not just approves, but prefers, condones, actively supports.
Yesterday I was a Poll Watcher in a 70% red area of Florida, close to the Alabama border. I wore blue and otherwise was neutral, fair, respectful and there to ensure that EVERYONE, no matter who they were voting for, felt safe, comfortable and had accurate information about their rights. I was not sowing division; I was in no way aggressive or even dismissive; I was promoting democracy and the mass’s right to be heard. For the most part, people ignored me and most were not intimidating or disrespectful to other voters. But not all. One woman, pushing a stroller with a toddler, jeered at and mocked me, for being there “to break up fist fights.” The clerk himself questioned my legal right to be there, though not the Republic Poll Watcher’s; and interrupted, dismissed and flat out lied about a voter’s report that he was turned away for not having an updated ID (illegal). Wow – I have been so naïve to think this didn’t happen. Now that I am in Red territory, I can see the force of the fear and aggression that Trump has stirred up and blatantly fed, likely for his own amusement.
I am depressed. At least I can recognize exactly what it is and name it. Now I need to understand how to tap back into compassion, hope and love – for everyone.
Today is November 5th. After binging on Roshi Joan Halifax and Lama Rod Owens last night, and discussing my overwhelming emotions with my daily meditation group, I am starting to find my anchor again. These emotions are an opportunity – not just to learn how better to respond to emotions like rage and grief with equanimity and compassion, but also an opportunity to understand how so many Americans on the other side of where I stand, feel. Fear, rage, grief. Trying desperately to hang onto visions of their lives and themselves that are eroding. I will try to harness my own response to become more effective at responding to others with equanimity and compassion. Holy crap – this is going to be SO hard.
Today is November 6th. I noticed yesterday when I was walking Maple, that I felt skittish and scared, did not want to make eye contact with the (very few) people who passed me, and was more afraid of the many pick-up trucks who barrel by on the road, with no sidewalk. I didn’t want to go grocery shopping, or expose myself to anyone I’m not close to. I actually had the thought, “These people are going to brand me a ‘loser’ and spit on me, jeer at me, or worse.” These are the beginning signs of a trauma response – feeling unduly scared and unsafe, overly protective. My job now is to sooth my own body and create safety. I must do that first before I can do anything else, including additional emotional processing.
Today is November 7th, in the evening. I am watching Joe Biden’s and Kamala Harris’ acceptance speeches. I start to cry. Not because Joe is a particularly moving speaker (I mean we all know, he’s no Obama), but because it’s finally real that there is a leader preaching and practicing kindness, care and unity for all, instead of the vitriol, aggression and bullying of Trump, and his followers. It’s finally real! I can stop numbing and tensing on the defensive and just let loose all the fear, sadness and anxiety that have been building for me over the past several months.
I fully understand that anger, violence and denigration have not gone away. And that all of us have a lot of work to do to rebuild trust and compassion between those who identify as “red” and “blue.” But now violence is no longer encouraged and celebrated by the most powerful leader in the land. Violent words are seen again for exactly what they are – destructive, instead of dismissed as “poor communication skills,” or “telling it like it is.” No more excuses for illegal, selfish, negligent and traumatizing words and actions by people who have power over us. I feel like I’m a child in a family whose violent and alcoholic father has been put in prison and kindly grandpa is here to take care and protect. Right is right and wrong is wrong. Now my job is to build on this sense of security and spread compassion, kindness and care – to EVERYONE.
Today is November 16th. I am feeling much safer. I can even feel the temptation to stop working. I haven’t read or watched the news almost at all in the past week. It is a relief not be exposed to the vitriol. I can feel the temptation of just relaxing and letting Biden and Harris take care. Is this one reason we’re in this mess? Because we become apathetic and thereby abdicate our power. Compassion, understanding, clear seeing and channeling energy into manifesting values into policy – these are still the goals. The focus now is on not losing the momentum, but balancing care for yourself with care for community, country and world. We are all the same, after all.